tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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