there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
