Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
