Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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