i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
