I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
