Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
