Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
