Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize