went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
