I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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