I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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