I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
