3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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