Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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