The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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