I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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