Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
