omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize