He felt like a one man threesome
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
