There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
