we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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