I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
last night I used snow as a chaser
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