Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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