i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize