we're blogging at a bar
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
