the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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