from now on my penis is your penis
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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