Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
