I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize