Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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