I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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