White coat. Heels.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
