I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
