I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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