Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
