Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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