for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
