I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
