I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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