Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize