He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
