Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
jump out the window naked night went bad
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize