I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
