I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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