We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
