So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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