Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
