I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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