this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
