I like to think it a success when the cops are called
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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