Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
