Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
