I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
